please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You left your underwear on the fireplace
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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