The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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