i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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