you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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