onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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