im drinking this country out of the recession.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
