If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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