break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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