My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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