I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
