the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
