So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
