Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
