tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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