dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
We named our party play list daddy issues
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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