So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
