You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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