Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
