I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
