i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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