This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
