something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
