Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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