I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
