I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
