I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
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