and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
