sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
