I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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