between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
