one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
