you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
