Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
