I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
