Life is so much better after having sex.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
