just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
