tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize