i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
