someone threw a dead crab at me
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
