So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
