Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
