They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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