he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
