3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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