three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
