I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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