So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
