Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Randomize
