ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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