I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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