i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
