Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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