His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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