I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
