I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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