i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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