So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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