so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i think i have two assholes
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
