I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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